Notes From an Eejit - Note 1

If you cleaned yourself like a cat you would only be able to clean from your elbows to the tips of your fingers. I noticed this when I happened to be sitting outside on a bench while listening to a podcast that seemed to be drowned out by this thought like a buzzing static. I do realise it is not much of a thought to have but it started like that ball of snow you see in a cartoon then grew larger and larger until all there was was the white noise of cleaning yourself as a cat does. Then I pictured someone trying to get to the feet and legs.

Our anatomy does not allow us to do this. I say this as a general thing and this is not fair. I know that somewhere out there in the billions of us that there might be an anomalous person, perhaps people who can do that.

For most of us though, this is an impossibility as, for some of us, tying our shoelaces is a challenge that involves cursing groans with a fingertip dexterity which eludes us unless we stick a tongue out to one side of our mouths while furrowing our brows. The large number of people who are bendy enough might be able to clean their feet and toes. Who wants to do that though? This leaves everything else about our person to be less than pleasant.

 I watched the cat try to lick it's own neck. I was envious of that. I have no idea why but I did, after a quick glance around, try to do it myself. I couldn't even get close. I may have created a quadruple chin in the process and hurt my windpipe. This is something you would think I would've done in my early teens or earlier but no, there I was in my thirties sitting on a bench which was crumbling a little due to the shapes I was making to try to get my tongue to go past my chin. I did almost pray none of my neighbours were looking out the window or walked out to empty their rubbish into their bin. There is no way of explaining what you are doing to a neighbour when you are doing something like that. I stopped after a moment or two. I panted from my exertion and watched her continue her cleaning regime.

She had sunburnt ears from years of running out and about. The ears kept flicking as she cleaned. They almost looked crispy and I felt a little sorry for her. I started to think about how I tend to use shampoo and hair gel in much the same fashion as a soapy one for all cleaning product. I had to think, well I didn't have to think this but it came into my mind like an out of control cyclist into some bushes, if we cleaned ourselves like cats do how would the companies benefit?

I mean, think of the big multi-national companies who market the sweet smelling products that most of us use to clean ourselves. What would they do? They would have to make money somehow and create a nice tasting product which we would have to lick off. No longer would you be found in your local pharmacist buying soapy goods. You might end up in your grocers or sweetshop buying raspberry flavoured sprinkles to lick off your forearms for a better forearm as stated by twenty-five out of twenty-eight surveyed in the fine print of the advertisement that pops up on your online video or television screen. Calories, sugar and fat content would all have to be thought about. Make-up would have to come with and allergen warning about peanuts. Maybe some do already, I am not an expert.

I do this from time to time. I sit, a thought enters my head and I scribble this note down in a fervent energy on my phone, receipt or on the back of an envelope. They sit there gathering dust or whatever the digital equivalent of dust is. When I see the note years later or even last week and I think 'what an eejit!' So, I might experiment with these, throw them here and believe me they are not perfect. They are not coherent. Do not think for a moment I am an expert in anything but being an eejit.